Gospel Q&A with Smith

Smith's primary teacher found me after church one day and told me about the answers Smith gave that day in class. (Before I continue, let me just say that this was not the first time this woman has come searching for me. Once, she stopped me after church and said that while the children were trying to practice some songs for the Mother's Day program, Smith decided that he did not want to participate, so he put his fingers in his ears, and began yelling, "LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!! She wanted me to "address the issue" with my son.) The first three Q&A's were related to me by Smith's primary teacher. The fourth is from something Smith said to Whitley today.

Q: Who lived in the Garden of Eden?
A: My dad and Eve.

Q: Who did Noah bring on the Ark?
A: All kinds of animals, and two Santa Clauses.

Q: Who gave you your body?
A: Not Jesus. It wasn't Jesus.

Q: What is your favorite primary song?
A: "I Am a Giant of God"

A New Low

A while back, we were driving to a favorite restaurant, when we passed a Ford dealership. Smith saw the Ford insignia and said, "Dad, there is American Idol!" Oh, the shame.

I promise we don't watch that show . . . much.

Steel Trap

On Saturday, Smith and I were at Sports Clips to get him a haircut. The only book they had in the waiting area was a Sports Illustrated NFL 50th Anniversary picture book. We opened it up to a picture of Peyton Manning. Smith saw the helmet and said, "Hey, I know them. It's the horsey team! But I wanted the Bears to win."

In case you forgot, the Colts beat the Bears in Super Bowl XLI, 29 to 17.

Deep Thoughts

This morning, within 15 minutes of waking up, Smith uttered three deep, profound thoughts:

Thought One: "Dad, when we go camping, let's get a tent that has robot fingers and big tires."

Thought Two: While Smith and I sauntered along the sidewalk (yes, we were the first ones at the park that morning at circa 7:15 a.m.), Smith asked, "Dad, what is that!" It was a huge bird poop on the sidewalk. "Bird poop? Wow . . . I love bird poop. . . ."

Thought Three: "Dad, can you lift that tree up over your head? No? Shrek can."

Never Talk to Strangers

We own a children's book entitled, "Never Talk to Strangers." As you would guess, it teaches kids not to talk to, or go with strangers, even if the stranger appears fun or nice, or invites the child to do fun things. I think Smith has learned the letter-but not the spirit-of this lesson.

Friday night we went to a barbecue at a friend's house, located adjacent to a large public park with a playground. At one point, Smith, along with a slew of other kids, went to the playground with the father of our friend. Twenty-or-so minutes later, I realized I hadn't heard Smith's uncanny shrieks and shrills for a while (an unusual occurrence), so I decided to go and check on him. Smith was just fine, and was being pushed in the swing by our friend's father.

When I approached to relieve him, he told me that Smith had gone up to every other parent at the park (there were about 15), tugged on their finger or shorts, and asked, "Can you swing me, or are you a stranger?" According to our friend's father, none of the parents knew how to respond. They said things like, "Where is your mommy?" or, "Well, I am a stranger, but I'm a nice stranger."

I wonder if the children's book, "Never Invite Strangers to Play" has been written yet. . . .

Taking Notes

A while back, I was watching something on tv (probably Sportscenter or MSNBC) and Smith said something like, "Dad, this is a very interesting show. I need to take notes." He went to the kitchen and found a small pocket-sized notebook and pen. He returned to the family room, pushed his red rocking chair up to the coffee table, sat down, opened his book and assumed note-taking position with his pen. He watched the show for a few moments, until something struck him, causing him to put pen to paper and begin writing, carefully and deliberately. As he wrote, he slowly spoke the few letters for which he knows the names: "A . . . E . . . S . . . O . . . S . . . I . . . O . . . M . . . O . . . ." What he produced appears below.

Quel chanteur!

Here is a movie of Smitty showing off his singing skills.

Fertilizer Anyone?

Last weekend, we were in Salt Lake City for a wedding. On Saturday night, one of Whitley's friends invited us, along with a bunch of other people over for a barbecue. There were oodles of kids wriggling around the yard, screaming, shouting, crying, laughing, fighting, etc. At one point, Smith became so overcome with excitement that he had an accident, of the second variety. In other words, he did a little poop in his pants.

Whitley's friend's husband thought of a way to remedy the situation without ruining the fun. He brought out the Super Soaker Water Volcano. The idea is simple: you plug a hose into the volcano, pressure builds and builds as the volcano's eyes get wider and wider, and then, the volcano erupts, blasting water over 15 feet in the air.

Once the Water Volcano was unveiled, it took Smith about two seconds to get completely naked. We dared Smith to sit down on the volcano, which he did, only a little hesitantly. I bet you can imagine the rest. A mutually beneficial outcome resulted: clean bum on the ride home for us, fertilized lawn for them.

One good laugh

This movie doesn't really do it justice, but during the recital, Smith was able to get one good laugh out of the crowd. During one of the songs called, "Dance as Fast as You Want to," the vocalist says, "Now freeze like a statue!" Because Smith is absolutely incapable of standing still, he shouted out, "I am a walking statue!" after which, he stiffly shuffled across the stage, which induced a few laughs. After Smith's walking statue impersonation, there is about 15 seconds of the kids jumping around on stage.

First recital

On Saturday night, Smith's preschool held a fundraiser and a recital. I used to wonder why parents and grandparents are so awestruck by seeing their kids on stage . . . but I wonder no more. It was hilarious. Since Saturday, I have caught myself in the middle of the day thinking about those kids on stage, and have started laughing out loud. Here are some highlights:

I can assure you that Smith and his buddy Jimmy were singing as loudly as it appears.

Three very proud and handsome little dudes.

Here, Smith warmly offers Jimmy some singing tips. Okay, I am kidding; Smith and Jimmy just weren't very good and keeping their hands to themselves.

I am not quite sure what Smith was up to here.

Translation: More Vocabulary

1. Because
2. What did you say?
3. Champion
4. Computer
5. Vlasic pickle
6. Humongous
7. Cartoon network
8. Pretend
9. Pretty please
10. Hawaii

We Should Be Ashamed

Tonight, we ate Whitley's famous white bean chili for dinner. Yum. As usual, Smith had a hard time focusing on his food. Although we goaded and prodded him, Smith only managed to eat a couple handfuls of corn chips by the time Whitley and I reached the bottom of our bowls. Then, inspiration struck my wife.

Whitley put down her spoon and turned to Smith. "Smith, I want to tell you a secret about beans. They make you toot." Smith froze. His eyes widened, and a smile began to form on his face. I saw an opportunity. "You know Smith, I ate all my beans, and my toots are going to be a lot bigger than yours tonight." In case you have missed it, Smith has a competitive streak unsurpassed by any three-year-old in history. "And unless you finish your chili," I continued, "your toots won't be as loud or big as mine."

And that was all it took. Smith grabbed his spoon with conviction and dug in. He ate his chili in heaping spoonfuls, cramming his mouth with beans until sauce dribbled down his chin. After every few bites, Smith stood up on the couch, clenched his fists, flared his nostrils, and flexed his tooting muscles. "Watch this," he dared me. Right then I thought to myself, "this is parenting at its finest."

Just a Joke

Smith has many strengths. Compliantly brushing his teeth is not one of them. Even though it is part of the nightly routine and he must know it is coming, more times than not Smith ardently resists brushing his teeth. A few nights ago, it was getting to be that time, so I took Smith by the hand and we made the long walk up the stairs to the bathroom. Smith turned to me and said, "Dad, can we brush teeth first?" I should have immediately known something was wrong.

We got to the bathroom, situated ourselves next to the sink, and procured Smith's teeth brushing implements: a Spiderman toothbrush and the Superman sparkle toothpaste. Smith said, "Dad, this time I want LOTS of toothpaste on it." "Well, okay," I said, dumbly. I generously lathered the toothbrush. Then Smith said, "Dad, this time I want to do it by myself. You go sit over there." "Well, okay," I said, dumbly, again. I went and sat on the edge of the bath tub. Smith grinned from ear to ear. He put the toothbrush in his mouth, and began brushing, and he began laughing. He brushed faster and faster, while laughing harder, and harder, until his mouth, cheeks and chin were covered with blue foam. Then, he took the toothbrush out of his mouth, cocked his arm back, and rifled the toothbrush at me hitting me squarely on the forehead. Used, frothy toothpaste splattered across my shirt and face. It was one of those moments when my temperament changed from calm and ordinary to a jaw clenching, teeth-gritting fury in an instant. And Smith was laughing hysterically.

I was about to open my mouth and let the rage erupt, but Smith interrupted. "Dad, Dad, Dad, wait. I've got to tell you something. It was just a joke."

Boom.

"Monsters and Boys" by Smith

Once there was a little boy and he found a yellow monster, and he didn't eat him up.


Then there was another boy who didn't have a name. Then there was a monster.


Then there was another boy and he was walking in water, but not mud water.


Once there was another boy who was walking, walking in the mud water because there was a monster.


There was a caterpillar monster and another boy.


This is a monster. This is a boy.


Once there was a monster and a boy walking on a big snake (that wasn't real) and a mean monster.


Trick or treat. There was a boy and he was hanging upside down.


There were two monsters. There was a little boy walking in sinking water mud. He hopped out and there were two monsters.


These are bug boys. Once there [was] a bug boy who was flying who ate a worm. And he chomped and chewed, and there was a lighthouse.

THE END

More Vocabulary

1. Uhcuz
2. What you said?
3. Champylin
4. Pewter
5. Blasick
6. A mungus
7. Cartoon neck wurt
8. Fortend
9. Prilly please
10. Why-eee

First Signs of Easter

Whitley: Smith, did the easter bunny come this morning?

Smith: Yes, he did!

Whitley: You haven't gone downstairs to look yet, so how do you know?

Smith: Because we got new haircuts, and I am wearing clean underwear.

I Think He Is Mocking Us . . . .

Part One
Smith: Dad, she is such a butt. Oh, sorry Dad, I said butt. I'll stop saying butt.
Me: Okay, Smith, just stop.
Smith: I know Dad. No more saying butt.
Me: Fine, Smith.
Smith: Right, no more butt.

Part Two
Smith: Dad, I just went to the bathroom, but I don't need to wash my hands because I didn't touch my wiener. Uh oh . . . I just said wiener.
Me: Smith! Where did you learn that???
Smith: I dunno. Is wiener funny?
Me: No!
Smith: Okay Dad, I won't say wiener any more.
Me: Stop!
Smith: Dad, I already stopped saying wiener in the first place!

Part Three
Smith: Oh damn . . . um . . . I didn't just say damn. I'm not saying damn.
Dad: Smith, you are still saying it.
Smith: No, Dad, I don't ever say damn.
Dad: [confounded silence]

UPDATE: Finger Quotes

Whitley, my self-appointed editor, critic, and voice inside my head (thanks Whit!), brought to my attention that Smith began forming finger-quotes at approximately the same time he spent six straight days with his cousin Chase. Chase, for his age group, is officially the world's foremost expert in all things dinosaur. In this vein, Chase adopted what I call the "two-finger T-Rex slash." Chase executes the two-finger T-Rex slash by tucking his elbows tightly into his sides, raising his forearms to imitate the T-Rex's disproportionately short arms, forming claws with his index and middle fingers, and then slashing repeatedly across his victim's torso.

Whitley believes that instead of forming finger quotes, Smith has actually been imitating Chase's two-finger T-Rex slash. According to Whitley, rather than speaking animatedly with his fingers, Smith has actually been pretending to be a dinosaur. I am not convinced-but not because I don't think Smith copies Chase. For example, I attribute the following phrase, which Smith said to me the other day, to cousin Chase: "Dad, I am the dinosaur and you are the meat. [Chomp, chomp, into my stomach.] Now, here comes the blood. . . ."

Finger Quotes

Last week, I noticed Smith doing finger quotes. That's right "finger quotes." In mid-sentence, Smith raised both hands, formed peace signs with his fingers, looked me right in the eyes, and uttered a phrase while simultaneously bending his fingers. Yes, finger quotes.

Although Smith's keen observation skills allowed him to catch on to the finger quotes phenomenon, Smith failed to master their proper usage. I have seen him use finger quotes in three situations, all incorrect.

1. When he thinks you didn't hear him the first time. (E.g., "Dad, I said I wanted a (open finger quote) QUE-SUH-DEE-UH (close finger quote)."
2. When he is telling a secret. (E.g., In the softest voice Smith can muster, which isn't very soft at all, "(open finger quote) Dad, just take my pull-up off and (fingers still bending and extending) put on my Batman underwear (still going) without Mommy seeing us (close finger quote)."
3. When he experiences extreme excitement. (E.g., "Yes! Dad, we (open finger quote) KILLED (close finger quote) the bad guy!")

It's what's for dinner

Smith: Hey Dad, lions need claws. They need claws to get sticks for their dinner.

Me: Sticks for dinner?

Smith: Yes. Lions eat stecks for dinner.

Me: Stecks? Steaks? Lions eat steaks?

Smith: Yes, lions eat steaks.

Me: Where do lions find steaks?

Smith: From the zebra's bum.