One good laugh

This movie doesn't really do it justice, but during the recital, Smith was able to get one good laugh out of the crowd. During one of the songs called, "Dance as Fast as You Want to," the vocalist says, "Now freeze like a statue!" Because Smith is absolutely incapable of standing still, he shouted out, "I am a walking statue!" after which, he stiffly shuffled across the stage, which induced a few laughs. After Smith's walking statue impersonation, there is about 15 seconds of the kids jumping around on stage.

First recital

On Saturday night, Smith's preschool held a fundraiser and a recital. I used to wonder why parents and grandparents are so awestruck by seeing their kids on stage . . . but I wonder no more. It was hilarious. Since Saturday, I have caught myself in the middle of the day thinking about those kids on stage, and have started laughing out loud. Here are some highlights:

I can assure you that Smith and his buddy Jimmy were singing as loudly as it appears.

Three very proud and handsome little dudes.

Here, Smith warmly offers Jimmy some singing tips. Okay, I am kidding; Smith and Jimmy just weren't very good and keeping their hands to themselves.

I am not quite sure what Smith was up to here.

Translation: More Vocabulary

1. Because
2. What did you say?
3. Champion
4. Computer
5. Vlasic pickle
6. Humongous
7. Cartoon network
8. Pretend
9. Pretty please
10. Hawaii

We Should Be Ashamed

Tonight, we ate Whitley's famous white bean chili for dinner. Yum. As usual, Smith had a hard time focusing on his food. Although we goaded and prodded him, Smith only managed to eat a couple handfuls of corn chips by the time Whitley and I reached the bottom of our bowls. Then, inspiration struck my wife.

Whitley put down her spoon and turned to Smith. "Smith, I want to tell you a secret about beans. They make you toot." Smith froze. His eyes widened, and a smile began to form on his face. I saw an opportunity. "You know Smith, I ate all my beans, and my toots are going to be a lot bigger than yours tonight." In case you have missed it, Smith has a competitive streak unsurpassed by any three-year-old in history. "And unless you finish your chili," I continued, "your toots won't be as loud or big as mine."

And that was all it took. Smith grabbed his spoon with conviction and dug in. He ate his chili in heaping spoonfuls, cramming his mouth with beans until sauce dribbled down his chin. After every few bites, Smith stood up on the couch, clenched his fists, flared his nostrils, and flexed his tooting muscles. "Watch this," he dared me. Right then I thought to myself, "this is parenting at its finest."

Just a Joke

Smith has many strengths. Compliantly brushing his teeth is not one of them. Even though it is part of the nightly routine and he must know it is coming, more times than not Smith ardently resists brushing his teeth. A few nights ago, it was getting to be that time, so I took Smith by the hand and we made the long walk up the stairs to the bathroom. Smith turned to me and said, "Dad, can we brush teeth first?" I should have immediately known something was wrong.

We got to the bathroom, situated ourselves next to the sink, and procured Smith's teeth brushing implements: a Spiderman toothbrush and the Superman sparkle toothpaste. Smith said, "Dad, this time I want LOTS of toothpaste on it." "Well, okay," I said, dumbly. I generously lathered the toothbrush. Then Smith said, "Dad, this time I want to do it by myself. You go sit over there." "Well, okay," I said, dumbly, again. I went and sat on the edge of the bath tub. Smith grinned from ear to ear. He put the toothbrush in his mouth, and began brushing, and he began laughing. He brushed faster and faster, while laughing harder, and harder, until his mouth, cheeks and chin were covered with blue foam. Then, he took the toothbrush out of his mouth, cocked his arm back, and rifled the toothbrush at me hitting me squarely on the forehead. Used, frothy toothpaste splattered across my shirt and face. It was one of those moments when my temperament changed from calm and ordinary to a jaw clenching, teeth-gritting fury in an instant. And Smith was laughing hysterically.

I was about to open my mouth and let the rage erupt, but Smith interrupted. "Dad, Dad, Dad, wait. I've got to tell you something. It was just a joke."

Boom.

"Monsters and Boys" by Smith

Once there was a little boy and he found a yellow monster, and he didn't eat him up.


Then there was another boy who didn't have a name. Then there was a monster.


Then there was another boy and he was walking in water, but not mud water.


Once there was another boy who was walking, walking in the mud water because there was a monster.


There was a caterpillar monster and another boy.


This is a monster. This is a boy.


Once there was a monster and a boy walking on a big snake (that wasn't real) and a mean monster.


Trick or treat. There was a boy and he was hanging upside down.


There were two monsters. There was a little boy walking in sinking water mud. He hopped out and there were two monsters.


These are bug boys. Once there [was] a bug boy who was flying who ate a worm. And he chomped and chewed, and there was a lighthouse.

THE END

More Vocabulary

1. Uhcuz
2. What you said?
3. Champylin
4. Pewter
5. Blasick
6. A mungus
7. Cartoon neck wurt
8. Fortend
9. Prilly please
10. Why-eee

First Signs of Easter

Whitley: Smith, did the easter bunny come this morning?

Smith: Yes, he did!

Whitley: You haven't gone downstairs to look yet, so how do you know?

Smith: Because we got new haircuts, and I am wearing clean underwear.

I Think He Is Mocking Us . . . .

Part One
Smith: Dad, she is such a butt. Oh, sorry Dad, I said butt. I'll stop saying butt.
Me: Okay, Smith, just stop.
Smith: I know Dad. No more saying butt.
Me: Fine, Smith.
Smith: Right, no more butt.

Part Two
Smith: Dad, I just went to the bathroom, but I don't need to wash my hands because I didn't touch my wiener. Uh oh . . . I just said wiener.
Me: Smith! Where did you learn that???
Smith: I dunno. Is wiener funny?
Me: No!
Smith: Okay Dad, I won't say wiener any more.
Me: Stop!
Smith: Dad, I already stopped saying wiener in the first place!

Part Three
Smith: Oh damn . . . um . . . I didn't just say damn. I'm not saying damn.
Dad: Smith, you are still saying it.
Smith: No, Dad, I don't ever say damn.
Dad: [confounded silence]

UPDATE: Finger Quotes

Whitley, my self-appointed editor, critic, and voice inside my head (thanks Whit!), brought to my attention that Smith began forming finger-quotes at approximately the same time he spent six straight days with his cousin Chase. Chase, for his age group, is officially the world's foremost expert in all things dinosaur. In this vein, Chase adopted what I call the "two-finger T-Rex slash." Chase executes the two-finger T-Rex slash by tucking his elbows tightly into his sides, raising his forearms to imitate the T-Rex's disproportionately short arms, forming claws with his index and middle fingers, and then slashing repeatedly across his victim's torso.

Whitley believes that instead of forming finger quotes, Smith has actually been imitating Chase's two-finger T-Rex slash. According to Whitley, rather than speaking animatedly with his fingers, Smith has actually been pretending to be a dinosaur. I am not convinced-but not because I don't think Smith copies Chase. For example, I attribute the following phrase, which Smith said to me the other day, to cousin Chase: "Dad, I am the dinosaur and you are the meat. [Chomp, chomp, into my stomach.] Now, here comes the blood. . . ."